why is it extra hard to find community nowadays?

let's talk about the need for a more accessible third place/s outside of the internet.

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Looking back on the years I have spent while I was studying for my undergraduate degree on English, I always knew that I long to be a part of a community. The sole reason why I chose the said degree, aside for the love of language learning and creative writing, was to be able to cultivate a place where I can find peers that partake the same interests as I have— people who have the hearts of sharing their triumphs and will weather down each other’s storms. And with the highest hopes, I still envision a place where I will feel most connected and human with. A place that has all the people that I love and people who also love having me. Like what most say, where connection, is not merely an experience but a way of life.

Well, to be real with you, I have forged these connections that fulfilled my longingness to belong as I have been going on with my young adult journey. I discovered creative writers within my college, stood shoulder to shoulder alongside such passionate individuals by serving as student leaders, and the list of the meaningful connections I made along the way goes on. Outside of the micro-communities I have formed within school, I also did my best to extend this community I dreamt of having through opening my first place (my home) for hosting— creating that shared space by inserting the third place. This is actually a very difficult and confusing thing to do for it can coincide with the goals you usually do within your first place and the freedom you want to commit within the third place, but we will be discussing more of that later.

This was a photo that I took at a local pub where my boyfriend’s band had a gig, in which I attended. Gig places are usually the third places I like going especially that I’m a huge lover of music (For anyone reading this out there, are you Jeff Buckley fans? Let me know!).

Here’s me, dressed like a high school-er since the theme of the gig event was ‘back to school’.

As I opened more of my space to cultivate third places for other people that I have met and have stayed in my life, and after watching a few videos of creators talking about how third places are relevant to have, I realized that as corny as it sounds, the old saying, “no man is an island” is continuing to stay true and relevant these days. Most especially, with the prevalence of consumerism culture, the monster that is capitalism, and with how the internet dictates us users how one must truly spend their time with each other’s company, with all of these combined, third places are becoming more and more of an idea. With how inaccessible it is, with lesser money and time, we, people of today’s generation, tend to lean on developing our own third places by forming connections within our second places (our work or school) or utilizing our own space, the first place, and make it into a third place. Well, whatever works for us, right? Especially with every hindrance and disadvantage that has continued to befall us when it comes to socializing in the digital age, we become resourceful, and cultivate a community, that we know is within our reach— with what we see and have known as accessible to us (with lesser money and time). Yet alas, I want to make a very significant point; we have to eventually go out, flip our mattresses and quit the bed rotting (this only applies to those who proudly proclaim that they have no hobbies, friends, and interests in having to go out), and eventually, advocate for third places to be accessible again.

But how do we do that? Let’s discuss the facts of the discussion first.

A third place is a term coined by Ray Oldenburg that refers to places that people spend time at besides from home (the first place) and work or school (the second place). Like what was mentioned earlier, this is an avenue where individuals can connect, create, and build meaningful relationships that ultimately leads to the formation of a community. He refers to a third place as essential, since it reminds us of human connections not only needing to be formed but also be nurtured.

“Third places can include more traditional settings like places of worship, community and recreation centers, parks, and social clubs, but also encompass bars, gyms, malls, makeshift clubhouses in neighborhoods, and even virtual settings like Nextdoor. As Oldenburg described them, third places are great equalizers, spots where regulars of different backgrounds and perspectives can mingle in a location that is comfortable, unpretentious, and low-cost.”

— Allie Volpe, on “What are Third Places? How do I find one?”, from Vox, published on May 7, 2024.

Today, finding third places has become increasingly difficult due to various factors such as commercialization, urban planning development, and changes in the social dynamics (the emergence of digital platforms). So, with putting an emphasis on the low-cost as mentioned by Volpe, it is extremely hard to find an accessible third place that does not break your bank. Yes, in this essay, we do acknowledge the fact that we cannot just go out and touch some grass. Issues like this are not enclosed within just a single bubble; it is multi-faceted. Going back, it is expensive to explore and find a community now. And this comes from someone who lives in a third world country, where cities are not that walkable, and everywhere you turn, there goes a mall made by some local billionaire (and I know that there is a special place in hell for these businessmen who continue to steal our spaces that was meant to be built for community, but rather they established super mega malls). Third places here (same goes with the rest of the world), have been commodified. And the struggle in finding accessible third places is not only a local issue, but it also reflects a broader trend that has evolved over time. Don’t get me started as well with how celebrities get to have a higher amount of privilege to go to third places because of the wealth they have while cosplaying as the regular working class (except, they aren’t, and it’s infuriating). And then here we are, mourning the time we could have been spending with a community we could have been building but instead we are left to fend for ourselves while gaslighting our way in to believing the fact that third places are purposefully inaccessible. The thing is it should not be this way. To further understand how we arrived at the declining of third places and its possible systemic causes, let’s explore its state when third places were actually a huge thing.

Remember how messy and real interactions were during the beginning of the 2000s? Wherein, almost every known Hollywood celebrity is having a night out, hanging around at some bar— Soho, was it? And remember the time where— even regular people— whenever work or school was already finished, people go to places other than their homes to interact and meet others? You can go ask anyone who was born before (or during) the internet about that. They have a lot of interesting stories to tell on the journey they’ve made, when they once traveled from one third place to another. That was how life was before. Now, almost all of us are day-by-day, and minute-by-minute, glued onto our phone screens (which for sure is one of the reasons why your eyesight is declining faster and faster every day. and yes, it is because of that damn phone), mindlessly scrolling, just to fill that daily dose of dopamine your brain has continuously been craving.

And as the internet slowly took over with how we did our social dynamics, the warmth and vibrancy emitted by third places, began to dim and falter. From the spontaneity of face-to-face encounters, we now move on to carefully curated online internet personalities, and the beauty of exploring new places to belong to, has been replaced by the convenience of digital connections. I mean, who does not like to be at the comforts of their own homes while knowing that almost everything is a click away? I am not saying that virtual third places are inherently bad. It has its benefits and has helped people to be themselves more, and most significantly, when the pandemic happened, this was how we stayed connected. Capitalism, and the fact that our ‘scrolling’ is profitable for the corporations, is what made the internet such a scary place. That structure is the real villain. Big corporations continue to drill us this idea that we may not have the full access to go out and find a community, but we can fulfill the void through making a purchase.

And that, fairies, proves that we currently live in such a dystopic world (we may think Bladerunner is still so far ahead, but we are already living the realities of it now). Going back, all I am saying is that the more we coop ourselves inside our bedrooms, the more we miss out on living and getting to experience authentic in-person interactions. While we are still on the topic, let’s take more looks at the current state of these virtual third places and other reasons on how this affects us— especially our minds.

Imagine going out with your friends to meet-up somewhere— anywhere— well, let’s just say you all planned to have a picnic at the local park. You all go out whilst wearing nice outfits; one has her dupe miumiu rider boots on, lacy shorts partnered with a cozy sleeveless top, one woke up and chose to be Adam Sandler, and the other, is just happy to be there. With all of you looking so avant-garde, you then take out your phones to take photos of the food you brought in front of you— and only then you’ll begin catching up with each other’s lives. Once the day is done, you all go home and continue connecting on whatever social media platform everyone is on. No one is sure when everyone will be available again. Because as long as you have the digital applications, you have this assurance that maybe all of you will choose to stay connected. So, you see, technology and the internet has become as a substitute for going out and experiencing an actual third place. You can see your friends everywhere virtually but never actually present and with each other; you are never actually here.

Snagged this photo off of my camera roll. This was the time my friends and I hanged out at some local cafe in the city. This was also the last time we had an actual hang out.

This can result to what we call an epidemic of loneliness. I am sure a lot of creators and writers have already talked about the whys of loneliness and how crucial it is to be discussed, so it’s just relevant as well to reiterate the topic.

“Loneliness is a hidden but serious problem in cities worldwide. Urban loneliness is connected to population mobility, declining community participation and a growth in single-occupant households. This threatens the viability of our cities because it damages the social networks they rely on.

One response to these trends involves “third places”. These are public or commercial spaces that provide informal opportunities for local people to mix socially on neutral ground”.

— by Tony Matthews and Dr. Joanne Dolley, on “Many people feel lonely in the city, but perhaps ‘third places’ can help with that”, from The Conversation, published on March 21, 2018.

Urban loneliness, often tied to population mobility, is still a growing issue, and as long as we overlook the importance of physical third places, we will continue to see a decline on community engagement. Spaces made outside of the internet creates stronger social ties especially if all you have the same virtues and goals. Without these third spaces, people may retreat further into isolation, prioritizing their individual concerns over collective well-being.

And this is crucial.

Notice as well how the horrors of capitalism, commercialization (as well as bad urban planning), and internet as escapism, all interconnect each other when we are talking about how truly inaccessible third places— spaces — are for the majority of us.

My honest reaction with how f*ck*d up the system is.

And without the existence of these places, the community will continue to be weakened and critical thinking, collaboration, conflict resolution, and decision-making skills will all go down the drain as well. And as third places diminish, the opportunity for shared experiences and mutual support fades, leading to a society where self-interest prevails over communal participation.

This leads us to the question; how are third places exactly beneficial?

Well, third places strengthen civic responsibility. Community thrives more when we do not cage in our connections merely in virtual third places. We have to go out (and I know it’s not that easy but hear me out in a bit) and engage ourselves with people who have the same virtues and goals as us. With community, we learn to be mindful and inclusive of others, especially to those who need our help. With community, we transcend in ways no country has possibly seen. The broken system in place is there since then because it hates community. When we get a great grasp of the sense of community, it unites us. We become more open, empathetic, and understanding of the world. We become kinder, to ourselves and to each other.

And so, how do we eventually find accessible third places outside the internet?

We have to advocate for it and its existence. For the readers of this essay, if you have access to a public library that is near you, please go there and form the connections. Talk about your book of the month or maybe start befriending the local librarian! To those who care to support small coffee or food business owners and would want to start there, it’s never too late. Grab your friends and form activities that will attract people whom you share the same hobbies and dreams with. Well, community building does not really necessarily mean you will have to let your pockets drain to do these all sorts of things. You can, too, start simply by inviting your friends to your house and just hang out. Let me add as well, that participating in civic activism through resisting the commodification of our public areas, is essential so we can reclaim these essential places. And while doing all of these so, we empower communities to thrive, enabling social change from the ground up.

In a world where we continue the fight against the inaccessibility of third places due to the continuing increase on virtual connections, the rich piggybacking on the working class, poor urban planning due to billionaires taking advantage of the space made for the people— and so much more, with us maintaining our awareness and continuing to educate ourselves, is more than enough to understand the risk of losing third places; the risk of losing community.

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